It has been an interesting twist of events, and probably the one of the toughest period of time I ever had. I don’t think I have ever dealt with such great amount of uncertainties, such turbulences in emotions, and being lost in such state.
The valley does not seem to improve from my previous blog post. Change of fate disallowed me to head home as planned, but it granted me a plan I didn’t manage to do after signing up for a commitment for next year. I am on the plane, half way through my journey. I am seated at the middle aisle. I was excited heading home, but after an incident yesterday, it turned the much-needed trip from excitement to guilt.
The news came knocking as soon as I finished my training. It hit me by total surprise that I was not even aware of committing the offence. I held myself up throughout the ordeal. The rest is probably not worth mentioning at all. I fell, I tried to get up, I tried solving until 4 hours before the departure of the bus to Sydney.
The last time I was this humiliated was in January 2013, when I asked for a forecast from my Economics lecturer. This time was a huge downfall of disappointment. I violated both of my principles of not doing something illegal and immoral. I left the room and half-slept the night with tremendous heartache and guilt. It is a lesson, painful yet necessary. A night stroll 3 hours before the departure does not help much as I felt worse thinking about what I have put myself through. It was stupid but uncontrollable, painful yet sweet, at least I would remember it that way.
I am thankful of God of a favourable outcome. I heaved a sigh of relief but it does not mean that I am out of trouble. At least I will get to enjoy the next 10 days, before a few judgment days in early December. What I am even more grateful is the friends who have been supporting all along the way and some encounters to brighten my day.
Friends who listen, who do not judge, who hold me up, who care, who keep me company, who give me words when I most needed; THANK YOU. Despite all the flaws and weaknesses, the true friends still flatter me with beautiful compliments. For people and at least for myself, I will make this 10 days count before December falls on me. No matter what happened in December, I knew there is always solution and I’ll make things work.
I wanted to be alone on the plane, but God gives me an acquaintance/colleague. We engage in deep conversation on religion and views. How enlightening and delighting, he shared with me that a mistake or sin is normal, we are after all human. As long as you repent and remorse, pray to God and ask for forgiveness. It is that simple as long as you are sincere. I feel better after the conversation, thank you, thank you for sharing and thank you for preaching what you preach, you have indeed fulfilled the second purpose of life.
The remaining year will be more difficult but either way, I will make myself prepared. I will have to recover and in search for one self. It scares me but I will have to make it happen. God, kindly grant me the light and strength.
21st November 2014