Saturday, October 17, 2015

Goodbye My Friend

video

The news came shocking
Unprepared of you leaving
It's your choice I would accept

Your update came through
Unaware of your problem
Can't help but I couldn't accept

Hello my friend
Goodbye my friend
How are you
I cannot care

I know it's painful, 
Regretful of your doings
If you could you would rewind

I was in pain, 
Struggling with my sorrows
How could you did this to me

Hello my friend
Goodbye my friend
How are you
I cannot care

There is a fire in me
Wanting to forgive and forget
You know I did try
But I cannot pretend

Hello my friend
Goodbye my friend
Hold on to fate
Let go I said

I am sorry I have to end this
What we had was broken, gone, move on
It's over

*

I was saving this song for a relationship. Once in a blue moon, I play with the second-hand keyboard I bought, not fancy but decent for a release. I listened to the snippet of the recording I did on my birthday this year. Strangely I don't remember creating that melody on that day. Anyway the birthday is forgettable, which is probably the reason by I did not write a dedication post this year.

Around midnight, I dreaded to the end the unproductive evening. Somehow I got inspired, some rearranging and trying out lyrics later, it was done in 30 minutes or less than that. It's funny how all the songs I have written are about guys. I wished I continue pursuing piano to learn proper composition. I wished I can read and learn to write better. The recording process was surprisingly quick, usually it takes more than 10 takes in 1-2 hour.

The story behind this song, was quite unexpected. I guess I was not surprised that it happened. But I was certainly surprised at how I reacted to it. I had said the theme this year is letting go. I had never thought that I would let go a friendship. 

I did have some content to write for the birthday post. One of it would be 'Somehow I don't feel 23 at all, but a young adult being lost in quarter life crisis: spiritually challenged, academically poor, intellectually empty'. But of all the negative things, I think at most least, I learn to be mentally prepared for things, I was rational and calm in dealing with this. There were a lot of emotions involved this year. This was a difficult decision and I was afraid of the consequence. 

I guess I have grown a lil matured, and probably selfish in dealing with people and happenings. I realise things, can be and should be as simple as it can, despite the world being so complicated with motives and emotions. I do know my focus for now, and there is much more that I want to do before ending this chapter in Australia. At least I end a chapter with this song.


PS: If you are reading this, please don't take it personally, just found a way to express this. Remember my last text to you, I mean every word I wrote.



Wen Xin

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Behind MSO 2015


The journey had come to a halt. I thanked God and the people who has been with me part of and throughout the journey. I knew I was not the greatest person to deal with. I wanted to write more but my poor writing skills would not allow me. This short post merely described some feelings I have for the journey. It was definitely much more than that, and could be better or worse.

I carried an ambition with an ultimate goal in mind. I had a couple of philosophies in leading the organisation. Driven by the ambition, I took as much as I can, I worried as much as I should, I took care as much as I need. I am a born worrier, and one of the philosophies is, if there is something wrong and I did not spend enough of time to think about it, fault is at mine. Once again, all events above had its flaws, and it always did not meet the ridiculously high expectation of mine. Given the time and commitments constraints, this was the best I could come out with.

At times, I was criticised of the decisions I made. I learned to listen, but I usually trusted my judgement with my intuition and consideration. All the decisions I made were for the best interest of organisation but sometimes, selfishly for myself. Deciding for the organisation was tough, as I would blame myself for not responding well or fast enough. I learned to be decisive, but I had not learned to make a good decision. 

I explored the leadership style, trying to be a dictator and a democratic. It didn't work transforming from one to the another. Dictatorship, though how disapproving it may sound, it worked. Another philosophy was, this organisation was a learning platform and also an experimental laboratory.

Fellow Malaysians are still having the racial prejudice and the need of dependency. Insensitive remark is made and true colours of people are shown. It is heartbreaking and disappointing. I have come this far and done this much, but it is still not enough to change mindsets of a few or at least inspire some. Given the situation and resource I have, I learned that I have done my best. I learned to stop the blame game on myself and accept the outcome with open wide arms. 

Being a female leader, I did have to say it does feel more difficult due to my sex. Perhaps due to my overly sensitive nature, at some occasions, there were a few sexist encounters. Or perhaps due to my introvert nature, I was not good at shaking hands and socialising, even after a year of training.

I have taken down all these posters from my wall and kept the t-shirt. Out of sight, out of mind, out of reach, I shall put this chapter well behind me. While the organisation has been a great place to learn, it has also cost me things, too many things. It costs me a secretive dream, my lifestyle, my mental health, the financial cost behind the dream, my academic performance, nights with tears, and a couple of more. While Nicole Kidman aptly said about her acting job is 99% hard work and 1% glamour, it is similar to this one-year commitment. Lee Kuan Yew sacrifices his life for a better Singapore, I for one, on a million smaller scale, sacrificed a year for the organisation

In the end, I do not know of the outcome of organisation. But let bygone by bygone, I could have done better but for a first trial, I am pleased.



Thanks for the memories but it is time for myself,
Wen Xin

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Chilly and Demotivated Night

I underestimated Canberra's weather and put on a thin cardigan. Now, I'm typing with my frozen fingers while waiting for half an hour for the security escort back home. The day started rough with me being unattentive to things and studies, I probably screwed up a straightforward mid term exam and now being punished under the cold and a delayed trip back home due to detours.

Wen Xin, would you ever stop complaining and actually do something? It has been awhile at this state, always feeling unhappy and unfulfiled at the current state, by comparing to the past which was once unhappy. I think I know how to get out of this, it'd take a marvellous effort and probably more sacrifice. 

I have a few weeks to make a difference. A couple of big decisions are coming up and I'd really want to make things right from now on with the right amount of effort and passion. Holding back the The journey to home took an hour, which I intend to work things out. I would down a third of a bottle of red wine, hopefully as a celebration the end of a mundane life.


Wen Xin

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Gone by September

Dear blog,

I have written this to you that I come to you when the sky is gloomingly dark and when things reach the hopelessly pessimistic level. I said and shared this with a couple of close friends that it is the quarter life crisis when one is seemingly lost in the world of decisions and journeys. I geared up early of the year and stayed in the game for a semester. But the aftermath of the persistence hit me badly on the second semester which I did not foresee. 

A 3-week internship opened my eye to the future employer and I don't see myself fitting in for 3 years. With no time of recovery, I continued my commitment with the society, doing more than I should to ensure things go smoothly. Only to find myself losing passion day by day but I have no choice but to continue, for the ego that I don't want to lose. I found out a result that I already knew and was reluctant to give up or move on. I seek for support in this, only to be assured that this is a lonely journey right from the start. 

I am living in the fear that my fate for last year will repeat where it was the lowest point of my academic studies. I have a study plan laid out on my whiteboard but as always, it is part of the wall decoration.

I want to stop feeling bitter about comparing with others and with my own past which my current self is always at the downside fate which I will never ever overcome. I want to pursue things that I love by waking up to each of them with anticipation. I want to stop feeling lost.

Monday, August 31, 2015

4 Words

Dear Blog, 

You know I always come to you when I need a medium to rant. I have a couple of updates, storing at my 'to blog' list. I guess I will have to wait to write them up some days after October. I saw a post on Facebook the other day and was tempted to write something down. Somehow the idea of sharing thoughts on Facebook or even 140 words on Twitter seem like an invasion of my privacy. The world still does not need to know what I think.


I don't know how.
I don't know why.
I don't understand though.
I am so lost.
I can't do this.
I can't help you.
Don't waste my time.
I'm not coming back.
I lied to you.
We are just friends.
I am seeing someone. [Updated on 24th January 2016]
I don't trust you. [Updated on 24th January 2016]
You are so stupid. [Updated on 3rd May 2016]


Inspired by true stories,
Wen Xin

Monday, June 29, 2015

Some day in August 2014




So here I am, sitting in a van with 9 people, surrounded by frost and fog. The front screen of the vehicle shows a road with no ends. It will be my very first time, to see snow and to ski.  

 My favourite season is winter, not because I have experienced it and loved it. But because I have never experienced it for 21 years, and I never thought it was possible anytime in the near future, not until the change of fate.

I shall write this before I see snow for real. People told me your first time is great. After that it is not as nice as you thought. 

The white in its purity makes it mysteriously beautiful. Its ability to conquer the nature, makes plants, animals and even humans fear of it. It is so powerful that the trees turn bald, the animals hide in shelter and humans curse the weather condition.

Its fearful and powerful. But I think its magical. And that is exact thought I had for snow. Seeing snow for the very first time will be a magical experience for me.  

Being in a company of fellow Malaysians, we come together as a group to have fun. I often hear remarks and thoughts, which I think its the major factor that we are not developing. It was just the first hour of gathering, but I thoroughly enjoy the company, eventhough I'm not fully engaging with all. 

 A Chinese proverb (牺牲小我,完成大我) said, sacrifice the minor, realise the major. Little things that you don't like about people are minor, being able to advance together is major. Not implying anything but superiority can bring the good in inferiority.

Occupied with work and thoughts, I wasn't excited yet. But I can feel, the excitement is building. Praying for safety and fun, for these people and myself.


*


It's 29th June and I am clearing the notes on my phone. Thoughts about this post? Still pretty much the same, except I wouldn't be seeing snow again. The snow experience wasn't as magical or beautiful as I thought. It was not the snow I wanted, I want the soft and fluffy ones, like cotton candy. Maybe another fine day then.





Still dreaming for snow,
Wen Xin

Monday, June 22, 2015

Dear Chifley


Week 1

The temperature reaches sub-zero, and the meadows are covered with a layer of frost. The trees are holding on to its last pieces of leaves before going naked. Fingers are frozen and warm breaths are exhaled with mist.

I make my way to the library and find the favourite cubicle. An hour later, the level is filled with people, with the aroma of coffee. For an obvious reason, the atmosphere in the library is tense. The usual chatter is gone and people are looking at their notes, testpads, lecture recording with an occasional distraction to Youtube, Facebook and whatever social media applications on the smartphone.

It's one down, three to go for me. The semester starts off well, but when the mid semester resumes, a series of misfortunes dampen the spirit despite me trying to brush everything off and making things seem normal.

Week 2 

The scene in Chifley has changed drastically as compared to the first week. I am an hour later than usual and there are still ample computers left. I lay out my gears on my study station. I take my pace really slow with the final paper, I had 11 days for it. I start reading a book but it is inconsistent. I start going to gym on weekdays as well. That's how chilled I am. 
 
There is a distraction or rather an attraction actually. But a Focus application has helped me through a bit. We are talking about planting virtual trees which worth minutes of studying. I guess I have fallen for Econometrics during Easter break, when I was working on the concealed dreams. And now as I have shifted my direction back to what I am supposed to, Econometrics is still charming, even better with a charming lecturer.

Week 3

Chifley is now even more chilled. The chatter returns and the number of students are not as scary. I took the table for four, selfish that way I need a huge table for studies. As usual I lay out my gear neatly but my notes and papers all around the tables. 

Sitting beside the window can be distracting but I like it. Overlooking Fellows Oval, there's always something to see. The birds, the sky, the people. A group of people are playing Ultimate Frisbee. It reminds me when I first played it at St Kilda or West Beach, Melbourne. He teaches me how to flip and catch. He asks me, why did you come to Melbourne? I answer, to mend a broken heart. 

On my last day with Chifley, I spend a mere two hours. It isn’t inspiring and I need to end my relationship with Chifley. It isn't the best library, I am more productive in Hancock and I like Menzies. Art and Music is too small and Law is too old. But I always come to Chifley, there's something about Chifley that I preferred. Probably a sense of belonging and connectedness with the Economics, Finance and Sociology books. 

I packed my bags and books. Bidded Chifley farewell but I'll be back next semester. I'll miss you Chifley.


Love,
Wen Xin


Monday, June 1, 2015

Wen are you stopping the sins?

Well, as usual, distracted from studies, let me blog about this since the coffee is keeping me awake and I am avoiding Accounting by all means. Just saw this posted from a friend and I got ideas to #keepitgoing. It's a rhyme/writings using celebrities names:


  • Was Kanye heading West?
  • David Becks for a ham?
  • Taylor is Swift at dating.
  • I like Blake, she is Lively.
  • Brad is at the Pitt stop.
  • Neville, you can't wear shorts, it has to be Long bottom!
  • Demi, I want Moore from you.
  • Beyonce, I Know less than her about music.
  • Vin, not petrol, I need Diesel for the car.
  • Amanda Says fried chicken!
  • Dakota is so hot, she's Fanning herself.
  • Just so you know, Harrison drives a Ford.
  • Orlando, Blooms like a flower.
  • Heath, can you look at the Ledger account?
  • Anne, please put your Hat away.
  • Nicholas, that's a Cage, not a national treasure.
  • Meet the twins, Elton and John.
  • Jamie, look, it's a Foxx.
  • Chris, it's Pink day at Baskin Robins, not Brown.
  • That's strange, Robin doesn't read, but he's holding a Thicke book.
  • Pixie, how much for the Lott?
  • Don't trust Ben, he's a Stealer.
  • Halle is figuring out how to use a black Berry.
  • Emma kills two birds with one Stone.
  • Jennifer manages to Garner Ben A Flag.
  • Andrew hates that orange lazy cat, Garfield.
  • Russell shops for expensive Brands.
  • Floyd, May the Weather favour your outdoor party tonight.
  • Bruno is the first man to sing on Mars.
  • It only takes 30 Seconds To travel to Mars.
  • Tiger's golf ball is lost at the Woods.
  • Justin's dad runs a Timber business by the Lake.
  • Lionel, tidy up your Messi room.
  • Michael sits by the Bay.
  • Gordon Rams into me and Says that I am stupid.
  • Dan's favourite colour is Brown, while John's is Green.
  • Stephen is a King when it comes to thriller fiction.
I could go on and on, But this is enough. Time for some (argh) accounting.


Love,
Wen Xin


Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Regrets


I was on the way back from a grocery shopping trip and this song is on the radio. 'Big girls cry when their heart is breaking'. The heart was broken since January, and the soul is still aching. I am not sure how much more I could take. It was all cool on the outside, until the moment I came home, to my vulnerable zone.

Remember that one time when he left, and you still cling onto your pillow pretending you are hugging him? Remember that one time when you drop your first f-word, and you cover your mouth instantly and wish you didn't blab that word? Remember that one time when you fail intentionally for the first time, and you said you will redo it next year? Remember that one time when you said you want the best of both things from the best of both worlds? 

Note to self, all is done and all is over. I don't think I have any energy left in me to fight for this second dream, nor I have the money, determination, discipline. I pursued this dream out of stubbornness, over-estimation and unrealistic thinking. It is possible and do-able as I found out, but it'd take much more than I am currently sacrificing. 

My last back up plan had backfired, the three-year journey might be worthless after all. Thinking of all the time, money, effort (I can assure you that it is not a lot, and I don't deserve any credit), sacrifice on social life; it hurt so badly that after all these, it gives me nothing. Well, it did give me a lot of lessons and experience, I should settle with gratitude that I learned. 

To answer the questions at the first paragraph, it screams 'REGRETS'. I do not regret for things I did, but I do regret for things I did not do. And this, is probably the biggest regret in life I had so far. Have you let go 2-3 years of your life? Have you let go a dream before? How did you do it? How did you move on? I am not sure if I have time and energy to figure it out, and I am not sure if I would listen if someone talk to me. More confused than ever, I am wandering around without a direction. 

I met Bruce at the lift.
'You forget something?'
'Yeah my notes'
'Long day huh?'
'Will be a tough one, and a tough week'
'It will all be worth it'
'Yes it will'

Thank you Bruce for the short conversation and the reassurance, and for pressing the button back to my floor. I really do hope it's worth it.



Hopeful or hopeless,
Wen Xin


Sunday, May 10, 2015

Want, Greed, Price


I guess it is better to put these to thoughts, before the days come. The days where I marked my calender with two big and red asterisk marks yet I ignored each time, telling myself that I'd eventually have time to work on it. I started counting down when it was 30 days away. I have sacrificed and let go so many things for this dream of two years. This journey might really come to a halt this time, and it might be best to summarise this in three chapters.

Chapter 1: Want
Perhaps everything started with this word. I want that bar of chocolate, I want love, I want this, I want that, I want more. One of the biggest lesson from 2014 was 'less is more', But I never settle for less, in fact the weirdest and stupidest fact about me is, the easier things are, the more I run away, towards something more challenging and impossible. Same as this journey, I don't need it but I want it. 

Chapter 2: Greed
Perhaps I wanted too many things, the passion is divided into so many things that I wanted to put my name on it. Greed is dangerous, it is an illusion that convinces you that you should achieve as many as things in the shortest span of time. Three of the major commitments hit the peak at the same time, that is something I did foresee but I did not prepare well for, physically and mentally. As a result of Greed, I might lose all, which I couldn't afford.

Chapter 3: Price
Perhaps one of the biggest challenge for 2015 is letting go which God has taken so much away from me. I have lost so much of important and special things this year. I am afraid He want me to let go of this ambitious and unnecessary dream. But if I RSVP to an event, I would make a point to attend even though I might not enjoy or I know the party is not meant for me. Take me to church this time and I know He will stay with me throughout the journey. I will finish this off, no matter how it turns out.



At least I tried,
Wen Xin


Sunday, May 3, 2015

Thoughts

I come to my blog whenever I need to express something. Well, a couple of thoughts below:

Another week is closing and I am one step closer to another cycle of judgement day. I really do not how to to pull things off in 10 days. Last year was a miracle, but last year was way better, at least I had a break and responsibility-free. I am literally on the verge of giving up, at the cliff of falling but holding on to a rope.

*

Is it bad to always assume the worst would happen? Because if you have assumed the worst you can possibly imagined, the outcome should usually be at least better. Is it sick that I found pleasure from this, that I am happy that things worked out?

*

I treat people the way how I wanted to be treated. Some times I tried pleasing people as I think it makes people happy. But sometimes, when I did some mistakes, inconsiderate or speak the wrong words, I feel guilty. I don't remember a time when I snap, even when the person was furious. Owning to my mistake and wishing people could accept my apology like how I did, but no, you don't get the same treatment when you cross the line, even that line is thin.

*

I guess accounting really isn't my thing. I am usually interested in assignments, but not this one. Not even when the assignment is due in 3 days, I am not even panicking, yet.

*

I am a worrier. And sometimes I wish there is someone who could stand up and say 'don't worry, stay calm, I got this'. I do overthink in things. But if some things that can be amended and I didn't spend some time thinking, I'd blame myself for the outcome. It's just when I was growing up, I learned that nothing good comes easy. If you want something, you fight for it, constantly trying and improving.

*

I will gradually quit Twitter, might keep it to follow some friends and hashtags. But judging by my deteriorating rate of using it, I might bid Twitter farewell on the first anniversary of joining Twitter, which is soon.

*

My volunteer team is in Nepal. Source: . One day, I will be there with them. The political fight campaign is painful yet perhaps necessary. But I'd rather fight with my team in Nepal, and fight for a better life for those victims.

*

Why am I even excited about Mayweather vs Pacquaio? I don't even wear the boxing gloves until 4 days ago. Well it is dubbed as the Fight of the Century, and I followed the news. Knowing nothing about boxing strategy or technique, I was rooting for Pacquaio. We all want the good man to win.

*

So much money and attention on this fight of the century and the arrival of the royal princess, especially for the event, so so so much money. But am I saying that the money and the attention should go to the needy ones like Nepal or other places? Technically yes but realistically no. There will always be inequality.

*

The heart-shaped post its I had on my wall, has 'sacrifice' at the middle. To remind myself of all the sacrifices needed for a greater good. I am not sure how the coming weeks will turn out and if I can hold on to what I wanted while sacrifice so much along the way. But I guess when there is a will, there is a way. Once awhile, you finally realise how much and what you will sacrifice for something. And surprised that others are not sacrificing as much as you expected. Lesson to self, do not make a decision because of others, and do not rely on others words or promises.

*

A committee just delivers the best news ever! I was jumping up and down with joy. Along with the current three other ongoing commitments, the organisation is draining me. There are a lot of hidden reasons behind an event, same as Malaysian Night 2014. It hides my interpretation of Malaysia, carries an experience I missed or I wish that Malaysians reminisce and non-Malaysians understand. It takes risk and effort where not many know. The news came at the right time when I was feeling low and helpless. It's good to know there is a team behind my back and I am absolutely not alone,

*

Let's end this long post of thoughts on a high note,
Wen Xin

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

The World doesn't need me, but I need the World

It had been crazy since semester resumes. The workload hit me like I had never imagined, the loss of data of my pendrive which contained literally my past and future contributed to the stress and panic attack. 

Seeing what is ahead for the next two weeks, it is worse than a mission impossible, not even Tom Cruise can save the day now. I kept reminding myself to keep calm and stay focused but my mind just wandered away and the next thing, I went to bed to avoid all problems and snoozed my alarm for an hour every morning. 

The truth is, why am I complaining. I am lucky to be at this state, for it is tough but I have all these opportunities around me. Maybe not so much on the freedom but I chose this path with what is provided. I doubted myself along the way, feeling lonely and weak. And why would I expect people to understand when I myself don't understand, confused and doubting at times. 

Each time this year, I asked for miracle and blessing. Not going to say it is the last time but yes I will be needing miracle for the next 2-4 weeks to go smoothly. I am playing with fire and I am failing at catching all of the fire throws. The world doesn't need me to prove anything or save the world, but I need the world to get inspired and learn from. 

My sponsor doesn't need me but I need them for the financial support to move on. In return, I need to deliver and redeem myself. My second dream doesn't need me but I need them to fulfil my so-called passion and greed. In return, I pay a high price and sacrifice. My organisation doesn't need me but I need the team and fulfilment to keep me going and all the practical learning from it. In return, I gave up part of me, constantly following up and hoping things turn out alright for the organisation. It takes two hands to clap, but without all the formers, I probably don't worth anything.

I do not know why but it struck me all of the sudden, the world has so much to offer. The nature, the humans, the geography, the creations, the amount of stuff to venture into. I can't have it all but I can certainly discovered as much as I want. Why am I wasting my time sulking and complaining when I have the access to knowledge and discovery.

I would really need to gather myself right away for the challenge. The to-do list is so long that I can't even see the end nor I want to look at it to reorganise it. But I will have to. If I have procrastinated for 4 days, I will and must catch up. I numbed myself with workload and drugged myself with caffeine. At this point, I will do absolutely anything to survive. I signed up for all these and it is my responsibility to continue. 



You heard me,
Wen Xin

Friday, April 17, 2015

Let it Go

It takes losing to realise how much you want a thing, same goes to a person. The whole night, I have the Frozen's Let it Go ringing in my head, almost as a mantra for myself for years but I ignored it all the time. I hold strongly to my own principles and to finish whatever I worked in the past, and accumulated a list of to-complete.

This break is coming to an end, it was somewhat a mixture of productive and procrastination, enjoying and stressing, recovering and sacrificing, thinking and trapping, expectation and realisation. It wasn't an exciting break but quite enlightening. The directions were very clear from the start but the drive, energy and passion were divided to three heavy commitments, that often it was imbalance. Somehow it was juggled well between two, but not the third. Why did a threesome pop into my mind? Oh my... Well, just a bad metaphor.

I'm glad that I am letting go the person in my head, but now to convince myself to let go the thing in my head. It is pretty evident that it is healthier and happier for myself to let the thing go. It is something I'm emotionally attached to since October last year when Malaysian Night 2014 ended. But being someone who documented almost every single thing I possibly can, I will try to document this.

And now, I'm insomnia, with my mind occupied with this. Wide awake with my eyes wide open, I should be feeling tired but I'm not. At 4 in the morning, I was at the kitchenette cooking. At 5 in the morning, I was showering. Until a power outage, I was forced to bed. 

A meeting solved it all and it's truly over. Ain't sure what I feel about this to be honest as my mind simply couldn't think any more.


Off to shower and bed,
Wen Xin

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Currently

Currently watching Sin City 2. Beautiful cinematography, I'm imagining green screens and Eva Green all around.

Currently reading 40 Days of Dating. I'm controlling myself not to be addicted to it.

Currently studying Econometrics. It is surprisingly enlightening.

Currently thinking about my Society. I hope my selfishness, stubbornness and ambition don't bring down the society.

Currently loving Mexican food and I made tacos on Monday! 

Currently working on juggling balls of commitments and I'm playing with fire.

Currently missing people at home but I don't know when is home next.

Currently wanting to learn to focus at my thing and keep calm.

Currently feeling tired, lonely and scared on the two journeys I am walking, I've come this far to screw both up. 

Currently deciding to delete Twitter or not, the urge is strong that I have saved an archive of my 300+ tweets.


Love,
Wen Xin

Monday, April 6, 2015

Perhaps


Perhaps I should be reminded of the things I signed up for everyday,
Like this idea I got during the mid semester assessment week,
51 post-its containing the most important ones and the encouragements I needed,
And that this two weeks are vital for everything.

Perhaps I should have just let go of myself entirely on that night,
That I don't need to know your name, who you are or what's your intention,
A small part of me wanted it, but the bigger part of me was definitely saying no,
I'm glad I hold it true to myself, though I was definitely not myself that night.

Perhaps it's best with a little separation from the social side and myself,
That I finally feeling more delighted and gaining some inspirations here and there,
I needed the space, the peace, the time and the spontaneous meetings with people,
And I guess I am liking the idea of not pushing and blaming myself.

Perhaps I should be gearing up for my upcoming challenges which seem impossible,
That I will make all my monetary, social and emotional sacrifices worthwhile,
And that this secret is still buried, and will not be buried in vain,
Because I will strive and make this work, no matter what it takes.



Wen Xin

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Remembering LKY



The night before, I told my friend that I hope Mr Lee Kuan Yew survived. The very next morning, he passed away. I watched the national address by Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong and the chinese address was one of the hardest segment. I sobbed, when he struggled to continue his speech. 

My primary school best friend has a strikingly similar name with the Mr Lee, that's how I first heard about this great man. My dad is a voracious reader, I remembered when we moved, I organised the books according to category and there were a couple of memoirs of Mr Lee. When I first came to Australian National University, I went to one of the five libraries, Menzies. I saw the collection of your books, and borrowed one. Unlike Mrs Lee or my dad, I am not a voracious reader like I used to be, I didn't manage to finish it. At that time, his last book 'One Man View of the World' was just released and I was more interested in that. 

I was almost part of his investment in human resource back in 2007. I tried for the ASEAN scholarship when I was Form Three and it turned out I stood a chance. I was brainwashed by how nice the institution was and I thought it could be my chance. The tuition was free but there is no way my family could afford SGD1,200 a month for living expenses. Things could have been so different now if I left for Singapore that time. 

In 2013, I went to Singapore by myself. The main purpose was for sitting an entrance test to Nanyang Technological University. Once again, I was brainwashed and slightly disgusted by the almost-perfect nation. The life in Singapore, based on my observation was robotic and efficiency-demanding. But it was modern, safe and first-class, as compared to my country. 

I have seen tributes and videos, it touched me and everyone who watched it. A tribute was held by the fellow Singapore Students' Association in ANU and without hesitation, I knew I have to go. There were addresses by the High Commissioner of Singapore to Australia, two students and an expatriate. All were beautifully spoken about Mr Lee.

It was difficult to hold the emotions. The soft background music with monochrome pictures of Mr Lee created a solemn atmosphere. After the addresses, we watched the official national address by PM Lee. I was grateful that it was not the chinese address. I was on the verge of storming out the lecture theatre if the chinese address is presented. It followed by a short documentary on Mr Lee's life and a minute of silence, which was difficult to endure.

After the documentary, I could not agree more on the idea of meritocracy, a principle which was held by Mr Lee. I remembered during my English essay-writing in college, I wrote on a country who accepted citizens based on merits. Coming from a middle income family background, everything is merit-based for me, since I was ten years old. After a season of hard work, there comes rewards, in the form of cash, phone, medal and recognition. Even today it still is, but the reward comes in the form of fulfilment.

I felt for the Singaporeans, it was a painful loss. I wept for the passing of Mr Lee, but I am not sure if there is a Malaysian politician, significant enough to wept for. I hope one day, Malaysia will have a leader, at least half as inspiring, impactful and influential as Mr Lee. Perhaps one thing I learned throughout the week was, despite being in the state of mourning, recovering or grieving, do not lose hope, time will heal everything. And this is exactly what I need at this time. 

Thank you for the inspiration Mr Lee. Your legacy will stay and will continue to inspire Singapore and the world. May you rest in peace. 


Wen Xin


Saturday, March 21, 2015

后会无期

The week is good and productive, probably one of the few weeks to have smiley faces. Actual work for the term had done, I heaved a huge sigh of relief but there are still a lot of work for foundation for the upcoming events. 

I met up with a friend over the week. Being the only one who understands the journey of recovery that I am going through, Gina tried to talk me into letting go. Her theory was legit but it made me feel sympathetic about you. I am not sure if I can ever forgive you for the amount of pain you've put me through. Even if I can forgive, I don't think I can ever forget. Putting blame on you and thinking that you are a jerk are probably the excuses so that I could put you behind. The amount of work and studies have been my anesthetic. At least when I am occupied or stressed, you won't pop up into my mind.



Currently addicted to this song, pretty much a song that everyone should be able to relate to. Inspired by this and may this be a last piece about you:

失去依靠,我的错误;
欲望不饱,我的顽固;
如何是好,珍惜是福;
向前奔跑,平凡之路。 


Inspired,
Wen Xin

Friday, March 13, 2015

A Wheel of Determination

It was a Tuesday, I met an acquaintance on the way to campus. We had a good 15-minutes conversation. Both of us are from a similar background where coming to foreign land to study is not an option but a dream. Except, he would't even dare to have that dream. I do not know why but those words trigger some sort of emotion in me. 

Both of us made it here. We enjoyed the time here but for some reason, the sense of belonging is missing. I wish we could talk further but we headed to our separate ways. I spent some time in Hancock Library, somehow productive. I left Hancock to catch a tutorial with reluctance, not because of the distance but a guilty feeling. I'm getting used to the travelling between campus and my off-campus residential hall. It's tiring but it's worth it.

On the Union Court bridge, a man in a wheelchair, surged pass me. He had one of his leg bandaged and extended to the front, like a cannon. I looked at him briefly and soon, he was out of sight. There is a ramp, with a 30 degree angle of inclination to Manning Clarke Centre. Then I met him there again. He was pushing himself against the inclined ramp, making his way up. It was a long stretch of maybe 30 metres. His speed decelerated immensely. I can't imagine the force needed to roll the wheels to make his way to the top.

'Excuse me, do you need a hand?' 'No, thank you.' Somehow I felt the 'No, thank you' was uttered with some sort of ego that 'I can manage myself, I don't need your help.' I walked pass him and heard him groaned in exhaustion. I can't help it but to look back 5 times. I was afraid that he couldn't make it to the top. 

He has a strong will, he was slow but he did it. He made it to the top and I heaved a sigh of relief. I continued my journey to the College of Business and Economics building. I thought, if that man, physically disabled, can push himself to the obstacle, without a single help; why couldn't I? It is of a different context but it's the same concept. I have the drive, but not the determination. He had the drive and he had the determination. This is something I needed to fix in 2 months.

It was midnight. I called the escort service to my home. The driver I got acquainted to had finished his shift. It was a different driver this time and we engaged in a short conversation. A student left his/her laptop in the car and he said it belonged to a student who is aspired to be an accountant. I commented that it is a common degree to pursue in Asians as we are often told that accounting promises good cash and good job.

'Marry an accountant'
'Hmm, no, accountants are dull and rigid' - It's a bad generalisation but I really couldn't stand the accounting practices.
'Oh? But they earn good money'
'Yeah, but too dull'
'Well, my wife is an accountant'
'I'm so sorry, but erm I do meet people who really have a passion in accounting' - trying to lessen the awkwardness.
'Can't complain much, she earns good money'

I'd never speak again when I am worn out after a long day. But, I am always tired.


What a day,
Wen Xin


Monday, March 2, 2015

Hormones

'I am busy'

I got mad after hearing that, as if I'm not busy? I am sensitive over insensitive words. I felt like life has been easy for others but not myself. And everytime I absorb everything like a sponge, whether positive or negative. Everytime I would need to pretend things are fine with optimism. 

It's ironic because I literally do nothing on my empty Monday. My work is filling my head all the time, and I constantly escape from the other two things that are seemingly more important. Things get disorganised that I am late, and I absolutely despise being late. 

2.5 months away to something I signed up for three years ago. 4 months to go to redeem myself. 7.5 months to go to let go a burden. 

I'll tell myself this is the last day I'll remain this way. And I put myself to bed to sleep the night away. 

And I repeat the cycle over and over again everyday.


Wen Xin

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Connect


Stumbled upon this video and I tried this out. I accepted the challenge and stared into your eyes. It was nothing like the video with a white background but me and the screen with your face. We were apart and I do not know when is the next time we are seeing each other.

It started off with smiles and maybe some exchanges of flirty gazes. It did not even take a minute of gazing for me to be teary. I tried looking away but that was not the rules of the games. Thousands of emotions flooded my head during that 4 minutes. I dreaded for that 4 minutes to pass by so I can hide the ugly face of mine, but it felt like forever.

Finally, I heard the bell. I stormed off the screen and returned to off the screen. I just can't do this anymore. I never heard from you ever since, only when you needed my help. You popped out once awhile on social media and conversations.  I don't usually listen my songs after recording them, with an exception of this last song of you which accompanied me almost day and night.

Sometimes, enough is enough. This has to stop while I work on the other three things I signed up for. It is funny how you said you are going to walk through these three obstacles with me, and now you are nowhere to be seen. A wise friend said:

'They leave when we need them most, they reach their breaking points long before we expect, they don't say what they feel and so we build an image of perfection of who we think they are in our heads. They say something and do the other.'



All in my head,
Wen Xin

Saturday, January 24, 2015

SAW

Couldn't bring myself to Google Image to find an image for this franchise, for the fear to see any of the blood-shed traps, mutilated body or dangling organs. I am not a horror movie fan, nor I am now, after watching the franchise. I remembered watching Child's Play when I was young and I am still horrified even until today.

Like the infamous line in Saw, 'one must make sacrifice in order to get to something'. I needed inspirations for an upcoming project. Hence putting myself into this pain to finish the franchise. Saw is a brilliant franchise. Its intertwined series of events and interrelated characters form a very interesting plot. The smart techniques of timeline manipulation and frequent use of flashbacks fool me and my companion every single film without fail.  The consistency of the film structure and the hidden tips in each tape contributed to its brilliancy. And of course, including the infamous traps which I skipped or watched through the small gap of my fingers, aiming to 'educate' the 'players' to appreciate their lives.

I got to agree with the intention of John's, the mastermind of the traps. People are unappreciative towards their lives. We think that we have it all and we take things for granted, myself included. I played with risks and put myself in unnecessary situations. I have a 'perfect' pathway laid in front of me but I want to take the road less and difficult travelled. I do ask myself  why and what I am trying to prove.

Other than that, I feel Saw brings a lot of other moral lessons despite the traps being inhumane and immoral. Examples include, be forgiveable, coordinate, don't lie, don't cheat, don't do drugs, don't take advantage of other people, don't be racist and more. The traps inflict pain into themselves or other people, physically and/or mentally as a form of rebirth. That punishment is probably too harsh and too painful. I do believe in karma, and I do believe that karma will do its job.

The traps in Saw reveal a lot of human imperfections. 'How much blood will you shed in order to survive' or 'What will you sacrifice in order to live' or the most familiar of all 'Live or Die. Make your Choice', will often lead the 'players' into performing some grisly acts. I find self-inflicted pains are tolerable to watch but not when pain is inflicted upon someone else, either with an automated machine or a sudden death between 'players'.

The franchise has indeed inspired an upcoming project, which idea started all the way back in October 2014. If this project works, it'd be another dream come true where it is something I've always wanted to try. But this time, with much more content-controlled and self-disciplined I hope. We will see how things go.

Now that I finished 7 Saw films in 4 weekends, what should I anticipate next? I find myself reading the synopsis and reviews, to catchup what I have missed since 2004 for 7 years. Well, a week to focus on my Marketing course and another week of adventure before a tough two months ahead.



Love,
Wen Xin

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Less than One

So I am a fan of Wong Fu Production, not for a very long time, just probably within a year when the sad university life makes students seeing the laptop screen, probably comes first before the smartphone screen. I was having dinner and wanted to catch up with the latest Wong Fun video, and there is it.


It is a very short film but it is very interesting, it talks about the probability of find a soul mate or someone perfect. It turns out it was 0.53 person for the girl. The creator of the video also created a website for people (like me) to find the probability of someone 'perfect'. 


1 of 7


2 of 7


3 of 7


4 of 7
Just to clarify, looks matter but it doesn't matter the most. It doesn't even come second. But look is the physical trait that tell you something. Not so much on the facial look, but the overall physique, on how one carries himself.  


5 of 7
Not a second thought about this rating.


6 of 7
Yes but it doesn't have to be entirely the same.


7 of 7

I was expecting a figure below 2. Because so far, I have only met 2 which are potentially 'perfect'. Thinking about them will always put a smile on my face. The smile will eventually retract after awhile, because they are gone. 

Just finding this website interesting, the figure is highly hypothetical and it doesn't truly mean anything. I have a friend who does not believe in soul mate at all. Do I? 


I do,
Wen Xin 

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Nothing At All

video


This summer
You left me alone
I realise
That we both are too different

I can see where are you heading to
Too bad I'll never have the freedom

What took me so long
Is the slight hope I hold
I thought I'm strong
 But I was so wrong

How did you let me go
Why don't try to hold on
What hurts the most
When it's nothing at all, at all

Last winter
I hold your hands
I realise
That we are quite similar

I can sense the sorrow and the pain
Too bad I never dare to ask

What took me so long
Is the slight hope I hold
I thought I'm strong
 But I was so wrong

How did you let me go
Why don't try to hold on
What hurts the most
When it's nothing at all, at all

I can't take it
I am waiting
Like a fool
On other side

I stop myself 
From feeling upset
Like a river
It never stops

I just wanna cry no more
Knowing that you're gone for whatever you are fighting for
I just wanna know one last thing
How do you feel about me

What took me so long
Is the slight hope I hold
I thought I'm strong
 But I was so wrong

How did you let me go
Why don't try to hold on
What hurts the most
When it's nothing at all, at all

*

'Nothing at all' is the third official song I wrote on relationship. The song is expressed in the distinct three feelings I felt; sad at the verse, disappointed at the chorus and angry at the bridge. It tells the difference and similarity I had with this person, on how things start in winter but end in summer, on how I have been since it ends. Yeah that's it, that's all, nothing at all. 

While the four questions in the chorus are connected, but it was actually four separate questions on different contexts. How did you let me go or you weren't holding me at the first place? Why don't you try to hold on to the option that there is an alternative? What hurts you the most until this thought can even come up? When does all the things you built means nothing at all? Further twist can be done for more questions, but I think this is it. 

2015 has been eventful so far, and this event is definitely the first unexpected one. During the first week of January, I wrote down in my planner as a reminder: 'In the event a distraction pops up, acknowledge it and tell yourself 'NO DISTRACTIONS', focus on your goals.'

The birth of this song was initiated on Sunday after a football match. I was alone on a crowded bus with earphones plugged to my ears. It was playing Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey on repeat until I reached home. Within half or an hour, the verse was done and the remaining of song was completed two days later. It was also partially inspired by Back to December by Taylor Swift and a song which is stuck in my head for years. I always thought it was Kelly Clarkson's but to no avail, I couldn't find it.

Perhaps I should credit this particular event and thank the person behind the inspiration of the event. I probably don't have the chance any more, but at least I have two songs, inspired by and dedicated to you. What's ahead is ferocious, I am excited and scared, but I am feeling optimistic and hopeful. Let the fourth semester began with faith.


Love,
Wen Xin

Friday, January 16, 2015

Passer By

video

Lights were on
Windows shut
I wonder what were you doing

Thinking back
Of the memories we had

Did I mean something to you
Or I am just a passer by
But I'll never
Ever find the truth

I don't understand
I don't comprehend
Are those the reasons why
You shun me off your life

I wonder why
You couldn't answer me
But its alright
Better left unanswered
Better left unguided

That one night
I was weak
I thought we had the chemistry

Look ahead
Of the future we might have

Have I gone too far ahead
It's always been one-sided love
But I'll never
Ever find the truth

I don't understand
I don't comprehend
Are those the reasons why
You shun me off your life

I wonder why
You couldn't answer me
But its alright
Better left unanswered
Better left unguided

Everytime I hold your hands tight
Everytime I look into your eye
But everytime I let it go and turn my head away
And I felt a sharp pierce in my heart
Boiling tears in my eyes
It's never gonna be the same or better without you

I don't understand
I don't comprehend
Are those the reasons why
You shun me off your life

I wonder why
You couldn't answer me
But I know why
We are never
Meant to be together

I was never
Significant

*

I wrote this song in 2011, for a Down-Syndrome kid I took care of during an event. Her name was Sabiha, she had short hair with a charming smile. But for some reason, she never accepted me as her guardian of the day. She ran away from my grip and she rejected my love. The inspiration of this song came within minutes and I completed it in a sauna room in gym the next day. Pretty random huh. But I never got the drive to record it.




Until today, 4 years later, an event inspired me in changing the lyrics and recording this song to move on. It was obviously too high-pitched and my first singing debut. This version of the song addresses a story that never gets to develop, a tale that ends abruptly with questions left unanswered and myself left unguided. It is a true story, it is bittersweet and it is unexpected. Similarly with Sabiha, I am left with a sharp pierce to my heart and boiling tears in my eyes. The truth is, it hurts. But there is nothing I can do, not when I am just a passer by.







Moving on,
Wen Xin