Tuesday, April 28, 2015

The World doesn't need me, but I need the World

It had been crazy since semester resumes. The workload hit me like I had never imagined, the loss of data of my pendrive which contained literally my past and future contributed to the stress and panic attack. 

Seeing what is ahead for the next two weeks, it is worse than a mission impossible, not even Tom Cruise can save the day now. I kept reminding myself to keep calm and stay focused but my mind just wandered away and the next thing, I went to bed to avoid all problems and snoozed my alarm for an hour every morning. 

The truth is, why am I complaining. I am lucky to be at this state, for it is tough but I have all these opportunities around me. Maybe not so much on the freedom but I chose this path with what is provided. I doubted myself along the way, feeling lonely and weak. And why would I expect people to understand when I myself don't understand, confused and doubting at times. 

Each time this year, I asked for miracle and blessing. Not going to say it is the last time but yes I will be needing miracle for the next 2-4 weeks to go smoothly. I am playing with fire and I am failing at catching all of the fire throws. The world doesn't need me to prove anything or save the world, but I need the world to get inspired and learn from. 

My sponsor doesn't need me but I need them for the financial support to move on. In return, I need to deliver and redeem myself. My second dream doesn't need me but I need them to fulfil my so-called passion and greed. In return, I pay a high price and sacrifice. My organisation doesn't need me but I need the team and fulfilment to keep me going and all the practical learning from it. In return, I gave up part of me, constantly following up and hoping things turn out alright for the organisation. It takes two hands to clap, but without all the formers, I probably don't worth anything.

I do not know why but it struck me all of the sudden, the world has so much to offer. The nature, the humans, the geography, the creations, the amount of stuff to venture into. I can't have it all but I can certainly discovered as much as I want. Why am I wasting my time sulking and complaining when I have the access to knowledge and discovery.

I would really need to gather myself right away for the challenge. The to-do list is so long that I can't even see the end nor I want to look at it to reorganise it. But I will have to. If I have procrastinated for 4 days, I will and must catch up. I numbed myself with workload and drugged myself with caffeine. At this point, I will do absolutely anything to survive. I signed up for all these and it is my responsibility to continue. 



You heard me,
Wen Xin

Friday, April 17, 2015

Let it Go

It takes losing to realise how much you want a thing, same goes to a person. The whole night, I have the Frozen's Let it Go ringing in my head, almost as a mantra for myself for years but I ignored it all the time. I hold strongly to my own principles and to finish whatever I worked in the past, and accumulated a list of to-complete.

This break is coming to an end, it was somewhat a mixture of productive and procrastination, enjoying and stressing, recovering and sacrificing, thinking and trapping, expectation and realisation. It wasn't an exciting break but quite enlightening. The directions were very clear from the start but the drive, energy and passion were divided to three heavy commitments, that often it was imbalance. Somehow it was juggled well between two, but not the third. Why did a threesome pop into my mind? Oh my... Well, just a bad metaphor.

I'm glad that I am letting go the person in my head, but now to convince myself to let go the thing in my head. It is pretty evident that it is healthier and happier for myself to let the thing go. It is something I'm emotionally attached to since October last year when Malaysian Night 2014 ended. But being someone who documented almost every single thing I possibly can, I will try to document this.

And now, I'm insomnia, with my mind occupied with this. Wide awake with my eyes wide open, I should be feeling tired but I'm not. At 4 in the morning, I was at the kitchenette cooking. At 5 in the morning, I was showering. Until a power outage, I was forced to bed. 

A meeting solved it all and it's truly over. Ain't sure what I feel about this to be honest as my mind simply couldn't think any more.


Off to shower and bed,
Wen Xin

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Currently

Currently watching Sin City 2. Beautiful cinematography, I'm imagining green screens and Eva Green all around.

Currently reading 40 Days of Dating. I'm controlling myself not to be addicted to it.

Currently studying Econometrics. It is surprisingly enlightening.

Currently thinking about my Society. I hope my selfishness, stubbornness and ambition don't bring down the society.

Currently loving Mexican food and I made tacos on Monday! 

Currently working on juggling balls of commitments and I'm playing with fire.

Currently missing people at home but I don't know when is home next.

Currently wanting to learn to focus at my thing and keep calm.

Currently feeling tired, lonely and scared on the two journeys I am walking, I've come this far to screw both up. 

Currently deciding to delete Twitter or not, the urge is strong that I have saved an archive of my 300+ tweets.


Love,
Wen Xin

Monday, April 6, 2015

Perhaps


Perhaps I should be reminded of the things I signed up for everyday,
Like this idea I got during the mid semester assessment week,
51 post-its containing the most important ones and the encouragements I needed,
And that this two weeks are vital for everything.

Perhaps I should have just let go of myself entirely on that night,
That I don't need to know your name, who you are or what's your intention,
A small part of me wanted it, but the bigger part of me was definitely saying no,
I'm glad I hold it true to myself, though I was definitely not myself that night.

Perhaps it's best with a little separation from the social side and myself,
That I finally feeling more delighted and gaining some inspirations here and there,
I needed the space, the peace, the time and the spontaneous meetings with people,
And I guess I am liking the idea of not pushing and blaming myself.

Perhaps I should be gearing up for my upcoming challenges which seem impossible,
That I will make all my monetary, social and emotional sacrifices worthwhile,
And that this secret is still buried, and will not be buried in vain,
Because I will strive and make this work, no matter what it takes.



Wen Xin