Thursday, May 19, 2016

Fear

I have a couple of fears. One of them being, the fear of lizards. Back when I was just 8-9 years old, I was always one of the few students who reached school really early, at 6.40am. I was a diligent student, as trained by the education system. I put down my heavy school bag and laid out my homework on the table. This friend of mine, she was the prettiest girl with excellent skills in violin and piano. Her beautiful ponytail complemented her beautiful features. We were good friends. She brought out a red plastic bag, the infamous Malaysian plastic bag for takeaway. 

All of the sudden, something jumped on me. I held my hands up as reflex, and felt it on my skin. The whole day in school, I was haunted by an unease feeling that the green slimy thing was under my clothes. I could not wait to head home and take off the clothes. Not only it landed on me for a split second, since then, a huge phobia developed in me. I have a huge fear on lizards. It is harmless, but the thought of it scared me so much that each time, it felt like a millisecond of heart attack. I would froze and I could not bear a sight of it. I have a couple of experience which were frightening as well. Most of it were hilarious to my friends, which I do not mind at all. 

Just last week, I received a notice a day before to replace someone for work. For the first time, I drove in the capital city. Excitement grew in me as I drove along the significant Northbourne Avenue. I reached this beautiful suburb and waited for my companion of the day. She was the cutest 9yo I have ever seen. She was courteous and lovely, she brought out Shadow, the fluffiest cat. Well, I have always loved cats, and pet cats are always fluffy. Then she went on and introduced me her second pet. I blurted in shock, 'what, what do you mean you have two lizards? Are they little ones or huge ones?' 

She carried the largest one in her arms. I gasped in horror, it was estimated to be 40cm long and 5cm in diameter. She told me his name but I was too uncomfortable to absorb anything. I kept myself a comfortable distance of at least 3-4 metres. Got to say, the lizard had beautiful scales. It was of a breed called 'the Blue Tongued Lizard', I can't tell if it's blue tongued nor I would want to google it. The rest of the working session, I prayed that the little girl does not scare me with it again.

Oh well, putting this phobia aside, my 2016 annual project was going to be exploring the theme of fear. But something interesting came up in early 2016 and I proceeded with that instead. With the resources and ideas I have, I would like to come back to this theme for further exploration. I have been interviewing a couple of friends on 'what is your greatest fear?' And the responses had been dark and chilly. I am grateful for my friends or the acquaintances for their honesty and willingness to share me their answers. 

The greatest fear of a person often reveals the vulnerable side, the weaknesses, the painful past or a fearful future expectation. I have a couple of fears, but I am training the right mentality to hold. But recently, I discovered another fear of mine, relationship. I chuckled while I am writing that. I hope I am not screwing current relationships because of the past and my overcomplicated mind. Well, if it is, it is not meant to be. 



What is love?
Wen Xin